Christmas Update 2012

Another year. Another beer.

Here’s what happened in 2012.



∞ Mark Sloan AND Lexie Grey died. In a plane crash! Sounds pathetic, but I was actually kind of broken up about it. They really were meant to be together and then… bam… out of nowhere, she’s trapped under the wing and his chest collapses. Thankfully, they had a teary moment where they professed their love right before she said goodbye to the world. He held on, you know, for the baby (not his baby with Lexie… you know, the one with his other baby mama, Callie the lesbian). But then, in the end, true love broke his heart and he died too.

Who else died?

∞ Ooh… Elena! Well, Stefan did his best to try to save her in that accident… you know, the one where the truck went over the bridge? But she was wildly gesturing to Matt, mouthing “save HIM, save HIM!” – So, Stefan ended up following his true love’s wishes. She ends up drowning. But, luckily, Elena had just enough vampire blood in her actually turn her into a trampire (well, if she fed within the day)… and she did! Sooo… now she is one of the undead (with REALLY good teeth and hair). Damon was all like “what did you do?” and Stefan was all like “she wanted it this way…” this went on for a while and then it was a full-on Salvatore brawl or whatever.

∞ So, Chuck’s dad was sort of dead and then so not dead. And Lily had married Rufus after Bart’s funeral but then he comes back. She feels badly, you know? Because she’s gone off and married another guy? So she divorces this guy and remarries Bart. Then, she finds out that he’s really some sort of criminal buying oil illegally and then… crap, I got divorced for this? But, she can’t turn around and get back with him because he’s already moved on! With the swindler girl, Ivy, who used to be Charlie until they found out that she stole the identity of Lily’s long-lost niece! And, on a separate subject, does NO ONE else find it strange that Nate (in his mid-twenties) is dating a girl in high school?

∞ Nate died. No, not THAT Nate. Michael’s brother. Michael spent SO much time trying to spring Fiona from jail; he totally let his own brother die. Now who got burned? Ooh, burn!



∞ So Emily FINALLY got rid of that white-haired man (no, that’s really what they called him on the show). Exciting, right? Well, not as exciting as it WOULD be if she actually killed Ashley D. That gurrrl needs ta go. And who is buying this awkward chemistry with Daniel? I think that Bella and Jacob had more heat than these two yahoos.



Now, here is a list of characters that NEED to be blown up in a factory accident:

 Jenna Maroney (30 Rock)

 Callie (The Glades). Also, her son Jeff. And you may as well throw in the new captain while we’re at it, just for good measure.

 The Reaper Weirdo (Being Human). Just because you open your eyes wide in every shot does not make you more mysterious. It just makes you super creepy (and not in a good way).

 Pierce (Community). Oh wait, that is going to happen.

 Declan (Revenge). I just don’t like him. He’s not cute, he’s not funny, he’s not interesting and he’s a terrible actor. I see a boating accident in his future. Or wait! You know that mold that they had removed from the bar? Well, maybe he ends up drinking a bottle of drain cleaner instead of gin. One has nothing to do with the other, I realize. Either way, he must die.

 The fake Amanda Clarke (Revenge). Emily needs to just take her out to the docks for a long walk. I know that she just had that baby and all, but couldn’t this just be Emily’s opportunity to steal the baby, run away with Jack and complete the Grayson implosion?



Well, I’ve rattled about what Rob and I have done this year for FAR too long.



And now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.



XOXO.

Why I Hate (Some) People

1. I sit along a wall in my office. This wall butts up against a vending machine. All day long, I have to hear people banging and shaking the machine. Quit it. You probably didn’t need those Skittles anyway.

2. I drive behind a lot of the same people on my way to work. About two times a week, I end up behind a (slow) car that has a bumper sticker that reads “I Love Cats.” If her life had a face, I would punch it.

3. There is a woman at my pool who constantly clips her toenails. I realize that she probably clips them once a week and her pool time is also her “clipping time,” but it makes me sick. Cutting nails is a private activity that should not be shared with unsuspecting neighbors.

4. The girl who works at the Starbucks always asks me “How’s tricks?” I’m not a prostitute… and it’s 7:30 in the morning. Please, just pass the coffee and move the f*ck out of my way.

5. When shopping, please keep a ten foot (or more) distance between you and the next person in line. When they are paying, you don’t need to know what kind of perfume they are wearing… so… back up.

5 a. Part 2: When you are checking out at a store, check out. No dilly dallying around at the register or adding things to your order by having your kid run back and try to find stuff. Wrap it up and GET OUT.

6. When you decide to wear skinny jeans, please think about it first. If you have love handles and/or a muffin top, reevaluate.

7. If you work in retail of sorts, please say “yes” instead of “uh huh” or “mm hmm.” Also, if I ask you where something is, tell me. Don’t point. I’ll break that finger off.

8. Paula Deen. I don’t have a real reason. I just do, y’all.

9. Ditto for the girl who is on “Bitchin Kitchen.” She SUCKS.

10. People who use Siri to find out if it’s raining. Open a window.

Rob Zombie.

I turn 40 tomorrow.  This is difficult.  I figured that by the time I turned 30, I would have it mostly figured out. I mean, I always knew that there was this free spiritedness to me that would never truly have it nailed down, but at least most of it would be okay.
I remember at some point in my 30s, my dad gave me this envelope and told me not to open it.  Later, he told me that it is their entire life mapped out.  Basically, it's the plane crash thing.  "If your mother and I go down in a fiery crash, here's everything you need to know about our lives."  Bank accounts, deeds, people to call, etc.  See?  THAT is having it mapped out.
Rob and I have no will.  If we die in a fiery crash, NO ONE knows ANYTHING about us.  My parents have no spare key to my house, my sisters have no key, no one in Rob's entire family has a key.  Now, I think we gave one to our friend Brian back in 2006 or so, but I'm fairly certain that one has gone by the way side.  And, even if we kept a hide-a-key, that would basically be for us.  No one knows where it is and it's not like we can tell them if there is a fiery crash situation.
So, when I was 32, I got married.  I also became an aunt that year.  So, those seem like very adult like things to do, right?  We married and bought a condo (well, the house came first, but who is counting?).  But I've never really "felt" like I was getting older (except for the weird, physical things that happen to you).  No one ever tells you that your boobs drop like 3 inches in your 30s.
The part that is noticeable is that Rob and I like to do the same things that we did when we were in our 20s, basically.  And when you go to three-day music festivals and rock it with people half your age, you start to notice the "looks."  It's one of those "wow, I hope I still party like that when I'm fartin dust" things.  It's hard to get used to at first, but you just ignore it.
But the WORST part is thinking that someday you will just stop doing that stuff.  I mean, let's be honest.  I can't go to a Foxy Shazam show when I am 55.  And I know that Foxy won't be around when I'm 55, but there will be a new Foxy.  There's always something new.  And I don't know if I would want to go necessarily, but I feel like I would want the option.  The only shows we will be able to go to will be old farts like ourselves.  It's like when our parents go to a Moody Blues show or something.  You say "oh yeah, those old guys."
I'm afraid.  Afraid that I will become unhip and my nieces will start to make fun of me or that I will become that crazy old lady that tells the "kids" about what it was like "back in the day."
Although I've never really looked at myself as hip or cool, it would be tragic to be thought of as super uncool.  When I see shows on television where the characters are 21 and their parents are my age and they are eye rolling and gum popping and basically clawing at the walls to get away from them, I cringe.
I mean, is that me?  Like now?
This 40 thing doesn't seem to have hit Rob at all.  In fact, he's kind of Super-Rob now.  He does more in his 40s than he did in his 30s.
So, I guess the bottom line is that I have to turn into the Super-Me in the next few years.  Maybe write a pilot, shop it on HBO and then move to the big time.
The pilot will be called "The Super Me," only it will be a half hour of me on candid camera trying to pull on a pair of Spanx.  You're Welcome.