Something on television:
Kourtney and Khloe take Miami: I've seen it for approximately 5 minutes. So, Khloe calls some guy because she's tired of seeing Kourtney "moping around the house" since her breakup (which apparently didn't really happen because she's back with this guy, I think... um, pregnant). So, Khloe talks to this guy for like 30 seconds (literally). She says "ohmigod... Roberto... so, do you want to go out with my sister Kourtney?" The guy says "okay" (insert thick Brazilian accent here) and they hang up. Then later on, Kourtney says "I really don't want to go out with this guy" and Khloe says "after all that I went through to set this up, you had better go." I've had a harder time ordering an effing iced coffee from Starbucks than Khloe had setting this guy up with her sister.
And that's my thought of the week.
The end.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Posting something today.
Norma Rae's on. Sally Field was super cute back in the day... especially with that crazy Southern accent. In this scene, she is being arrested... and boy, that girl can scream and kick! But at least she's got a tight V-neck on at the police station.
So, it's been like months since I've been on this post. I really don't have much to say, so I guess I'll just cover all of the bases of the past few months.
Well, The Bachelorette is coming to a close and my life will be that much more incomplete. I do hope that she picks Reid at the end (even though he is not an actual contestant anymore). Maybe he'll run in (Graduate style) and pound on the church doors... and then they will run together and jump on some public bus somewhere, hands pressed against the dirty glass... camera crew "conveniently" inside, taping their "spontaneous" event.
Started a podcast. Wonder if anyone will listen. Kind of hoping that they won't.
Watching the Harry Potter movies. Have to get caught up, so that I can go see the new one... newsflash: these movies are really long. It's taken about 3 days for me to watch one. They need to make Harry Potter hotter. Oh yeah... he's only eleven. Okay, foiled again. Well, then they need to make someone hotter... anyone. It's pretty much just a fantasy movie with no hot characters. Come on, man! Lord of the Rings gave us Viggo Mortensen and Orlando Bloom... and Troy gave us Brad Pitt and Orlando Bloom... and Pirates of the Carribean gave us Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom. So, I'm pretty sure that if they wanted to, they could have given the part of the Muggle uncle to Orlando Bloom... at least. Throw us ladies a bone.
See you next time, punks.
So, it's been like months since I've been on this post. I really don't have much to say, so I guess I'll just cover all of the bases of the past few months.
Well, The Bachelorette is coming to a close and my life will be that much more incomplete. I do hope that she picks Reid at the end (even though he is not an actual contestant anymore). Maybe he'll run in (Graduate style) and pound on the church doors... and then they will run together and jump on some public bus somewhere, hands pressed against the dirty glass... camera crew "conveniently" inside, taping their "spontaneous" event.
Started a podcast. Wonder if anyone will listen. Kind of hoping that they won't.
Watching the Harry Potter movies. Have to get caught up, so that I can go see the new one... newsflash: these movies are really long. It's taken about 3 days for me to watch one. They need to make Harry Potter hotter. Oh yeah... he's only eleven. Okay, foiled again. Well, then they need to make someone hotter... anyone. It's pretty much just a fantasy movie with no hot characters. Come on, man! Lord of the Rings gave us Viggo Mortensen and Orlando Bloom... and Troy gave us Brad Pitt and Orlando Bloom... and Pirates of the Carribean gave us Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom. So, I'm pretty sure that if they wanted to, they could have given the part of the Muggle uncle to Orlando Bloom... at least. Throw us ladies a bone.
See you next time, punks.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Things I Like This Week - Oh... And American Idol too.
I like the following:
Edward Cullen. Yes, that's right. I have recently discovered the mass teen hysteria that is Twilight. And, sadly to say, I totally freakin get it. I mean, TOTALLY. This boy that plays the head vamp (he's really 22... I googled him to make sure that I wasn't being a perv) is super hot. He's supposed to be in high school (yeah, right... boys that look like that don't exist in any high school in America) and basically, it's a love story between these two teenagers... she finds out he's a vamp... blah blah... still wants to be with him... understandable. If I found out that Edward Cullen was NOT a vampire; rather just a kid who sidelines as a homicidal maniac... I might still have to go for it. I have seen like a hundred pictures of him in all of the mags. Ohmigod! Is he with Bella? Seen coming out of a hotel after hours! Whatever. But I don't know that I ever fully understood the craziness behind him (Robert Pattinson). Until now. I'm on board. And I'm thinking about getting an airbrushed t-shirt with his face on it - with mine photoshopped in over Bella's. Is that obsessive? Maybe. Bottom line - I don't care.
Wii Fit. I bought one. The only unfortunate thing about this system is the balance board... it also acts as a scale. And every time you get on, if you've gained weight from the last time you were on, she (the computer) gives this "ohhh" like "what happened to you?" Don't you judge me, woman!
Iron and Wine. Rob calls it hippie music, but they have a single "Flightless Bird, American Mouth" that kind of makes me want to cry a little. Love it! So... download it!
Vacation. Two and a half weeks away.
American Idol. Finally! I know, I know. Anyway, I watched it and it was nice. Everyone was good. Everyone sings very well. Was I wowed? Well, not exactly. But, here's how it breaks down... I would like to see Kris in the finals. I think he's got raw, natural talent and he would probably be the only one of the five that I would actually buy a record from. That being said, I get the most enjoyment out of the live performances of Adam. I think that Allison has a beautiful voice and that she's wicked talented... but I don't see her winning... although stranger things have happened (Taylor Hicks). I used to like Matt, but I'm kind of over it now... and Danny... well, I just don't care enough. He's a nice guy and I get the background story... but I'm not feeling him (although tonight was probably his best in a month).
I feel like everyone is really good... and it doesn't matter who wins. I feel like going downstairs and watching a few of my favorite Edward Cullen moments and drifting away into fantasy vampire world.
I have a sickness, people. And the cure: more Edward.
Goodnight... Love you bitches.
Edward Cullen. Yes, that's right. I have recently discovered the mass teen hysteria that is Twilight. And, sadly to say, I totally freakin get it. I mean, TOTALLY. This boy that plays the head vamp (he's really 22... I googled him to make sure that I wasn't being a perv) is super hot. He's supposed to be in high school (yeah, right... boys that look like that don't exist in any high school in America) and basically, it's a love story between these two teenagers... she finds out he's a vamp... blah blah... still wants to be with him... understandable. If I found out that Edward Cullen was NOT a vampire; rather just a kid who sidelines as a homicidal maniac... I might still have to go for it. I have seen like a hundred pictures of him in all of the mags. Ohmigod! Is he with Bella? Seen coming out of a hotel after hours! Whatever. But I don't know that I ever fully understood the craziness behind him (Robert Pattinson). Until now. I'm on board. And I'm thinking about getting an airbrushed t-shirt with his face on it - with mine photoshopped in over Bella's. Is that obsessive? Maybe. Bottom line - I don't care.
Wii Fit. I bought one. The only unfortunate thing about this system is the balance board... it also acts as a scale. And every time you get on, if you've gained weight from the last time you were on, she (the computer) gives this "ohhh" like "what happened to you?" Don't you judge me, woman!
Iron and Wine. Rob calls it hippie music, but they have a single "Flightless Bird, American Mouth" that kind of makes me want to cry a little. Love it! So... download it!
Vacation. Two and a half weeks away.
American Idol. Finally! I know, I know. Anyway, I watched it and it was nice. Everyone was good. Everyone sings very well. Was I wowed? Well, not exactly. But, here's how it breaks down... I would like to see Kris in the finals. I think he's got raw, natural talent and he would probably be the only one of the five that I would actually buy a record from. That being said, I get the most enjoyment out of the live performances of Adam. I think that Allison has a beautiful voice and that she's wicked talented... but I don't see her winning... although stranger things have happened (Taylor Hicks). I used to like Matt, but I'm kind of over it now... and Danny... well, I just don't care enough. He's a nice guy and I get the background story... but I'm not feeling him (although tonight was probably his best in a month).
I feel like everyone is really good... and it doesn't matter who wins. I feel like going downstairs and watching a few of my favorite Edward Cullen moments and drifting away into fantasy vampire world.
I have a sickness, people. And the cure: more Edward.
Goodnight... Love you bitches.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
I'm Baaa-ackkkk...
Friends... I have missed you. But here's the deal. I have been tired. I have been busy. I have not been home for the Idol experience.... so, I wouldn't have given you my all and I just didn't feel that the product would have been worth it. So... whether tonight's product will be worth anything... that is still to be determined.
Here are the three singers that I feel are worth anything. Kris - he's so cute, I just want to put his Jason-Mraz-copycat-ass in my pocket and ride him around on my bike. Alison - go back and listen to Tragic Kingdom by No Doubt - she's a younger version of Gwen Stefani with better pipes (especially the actual track "Tragic Kingdom"). Adam - he reminds me of a younger, less disgusting version of Ronnie James Dio. I love metal vocals... old school "yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeahhhhhhhhh whaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiii!" Damn. When that kid hits the last note of every song, cats and dogs everywhere run for cover. And I like that. Vince Neil was in the audience tonight and you know that dude was sweatin it down there in the cheap seats, watching some kid take his youth right from under him.
Who I think is lame. Anoop. I know... I know. Everyone loves his frat-boy ass, but I am not in the club. The judges are always praising him ("we got a hot one tonight, dawg!"), but I am not falling for it. He needs manscaping. Seriously.
Matt... and I used to be on board. But the judges wasted their save last week on him. I love the whole I-Could-Be-The-Next-Justin thing, but he's worn out his welcome for me - he's all riff and no content. But his leather Members Only jacket was kind of cute.
Lil. She and that weave need to find a new place to live. And is it me, or is Lil getting a little mouthier every week? It's like she realizes that she's not going to win so she's turning all David Alan Grier on the judges (see DWTS recap... kidding, there isn't one... but if there were, I would have talked about David Alan Grier totally going mental Carrie Ann Inaba).
Here's the deal on the David Alan Grier tip... I didn't even see that DWTS... I just heard about it from my dad. My DAD. He loves that show. I don't think he and my mom have ever missed any episode. And when he's recapping it for me, he gets all technical... "You know, that Denise Richards couldn't find rhythm if it came up and bit her on the skinny ass." And for those of you who know my dad, insert Chicago accent here.
So check it out... my dad retired last week! Yay for Bill! I wish that all of you could have heard the story that he told Rob and I about how it went down. Bill is a storyteller. My friend Michael said "I've never gotten so much enjoyment out of a story that involves people I've never even met before." Bill has a gift for the words. He says phrases like "he was shaking like a dog sh*tting peach pits" or "Well, I'll be dipped in sh*t and rolled in sand"... "She was as tan as rich Corinthian leather..." Ah, Bill. Anyway, now my mom gets to stay home and listen to my dad talk about work... without him being at work. Luckily, she's mostly deaf, so there's the silver lining.
Enough about me. But now about me. I go on vacation in a few weeks. Oh, yes. 25 days to be exact. I will be sunning my perfectly shaped (by Hostess) buns on a beach on Sanibel Island having a cabana boy named Juan spritz me with water every few minutes. I will be the one in the white Esther Williams suit and the huge Can-Barelys (can barely lift em!), scooting my kitten-heeled tootsies poolside. Picture it now... huge straw hat, nails that Lil Kim would find tasteless and all of the trashy Notebook knock-off books that I can handle. Oh, who am I kidding? Nicholas Sparks is high-brow compared to most of the literature that I read (OK!, Hello, Us Weekly, etc.). Hell, I would still read Teen Beat if they still made it. Wait, do they still make that? If they do, I'm sure it's a little more Zac Efron and a little less William Zabka (sweep the leg, Johnny).
See you next week, fools.
Here are the three singers that I feel are worth anything. Kris - he's so cute, I just want to put his Jason-Mraz-copycat-ass in my pocket and ride him around on my bike. Alison - go back and listen to Tragic Kingdom by No Doubt - she's a younger version of Gwen Stefani with better pipes (especially the actual track "Tragic Kingdom"). Adam - he reminds me of a younger, less disgusting version of Ronnie James Dio. I love metal vocals... old school "yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeahhhhhhhhh whaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiii!" Damn. When that kid hits the last note of every song, cats and dogs everywhere run for cover. And I like that. Vince Neil was in the audience tonight and you know that dude was sweatin it down there in the cheap seats, watching some kid take his youth right from under him.
Who I think is lame. Anoop. I know... I know. Everyone loves his frat-boy ass, but I am not in the club. The judges are always praising him ("we got a hot one tonight, dawg!"), but I am not falling for it. He needs manscaping. Seriously.
Matt... and I used to be on board. But the judges wasted their save last week on him. I love the whole I-Could-Be-The-Next-Justin thing, but he's worn out his welcome for me - he's all riff and no content. But his leather Members Only jacket was kind of cute.
Lil. She and that weave need to find a new place to live. And is it me, or is Lil getting a little mouthier every week? It's like she realizes that she's not going to win so she's turning all David Alan Grier on the judges (see DWTS recap... kidding, there isn't one... but if there were, I would have talked about David Alan Grier totally going mental Carrie Ann Inaba).
Here's the deal on the David Alan Grier tip... I didn't even see that DWTS... I just heard about it from my dad. My DAD. He loves that show. I don't think he and my mom have ever missed any episode. And when he's recapping it for me, he gets all technical... "You know, that Denise Richards couldn't find rhythm if it came up and bit her on the skinny ass." And for those of you who know my dad, insert Chicago accent here.
So check it out... my dad retired last week! Yay for Bill! I wish that all of you could have heard the story that he told Rob and I about how it went down. Bill is a storyteller. My friend Michael said "I've never gotten so much enjoyment out of a story that involves people I've never even met before." Bill has a gift for the words. He says phrases like "he was shaking like a dog sh*tting peach pits" or "Well, I'll be dipped in sh*t and rolled in sand"... "She was as tan as rich Corinthian leather..." Ah, Bill. Anyway, now my mom gets to stay home and listen to my dad talk about work... without him being at work. Luckily, she's mostly deaf, so there's the silver lining.
Enough about me. But now about me. I go on vacation in a few weeks. Oh, yes. 25 days to be exact. I will be sunning my perfectly shaped (by Hostess) buns on a beach on Sanibel Island having a cabana boy named Juan spritz me with water every few minutes. I will be the one in the white Esther Williams suit and the huge Can-Barelys (can barely lift em!), scooting my kitten-heeled tootsies poolside. Picture it now... huge straw hat, nails that Lil Kim would find tasteless and all of the trashy Notebook knock-off books that I can handle. Oh, who am I kidding? Nicholas Sparks is high-brow compared to most of the literature that I read (OK!, Hello, Us Weekly, etc.). Hell, I would still read Teen Beat if they still made it. Wait, do they still make that? If they do, I'm sure it's a little more Zac Efron and a little less William Zabka (sweep the leg, Johnny).
See you next week, fools.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
AI - Nine is better than Ten.
Back after a short hiatus. No blog last week (enter sigh here). Well, I could talk about American Idol (and I will), but I've decided that I wanted to share a few of my favorite moments of last week.
1. I was in the restroom at work and found a Cheerio in the stall. Was someone eating in there?
2. I listened to an old record and realized that I love it even more now than I did then (My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult - Confessions of a Knife). Sing along... "Christian Zombie Vampires! I am the father... the father of nothing!"
3. The sales girl at Macy's called me by my first name (without my credit card in front of her).
4. I bought 3 pair of shoes. Two are completely "un-work-friendly," which I love. One pair is not even meant for walking in, I don't think.
Okay, so tonight was supposed to be a great night, right? Well, it was supposed to have a gazillion and one songs to choose from... after all, this was the top 100 most downloaded songs in an given week for the last 5 years or something, right? This should be chock-full-o-fun-and-awesomeness. So, what's up with the choices? I love Adam and of his crazy gayness, but "Play that Funky Music"? No! Dude, seriously? Out of like 5,000 songs, you picked that one?
Well, at least Scott McIntyre (nicknamed "The Piano Man") picked a Billy Joel song... I mean, originality is a plus.
By the way, that Megan Joy girl wants to smoke weed and listen to Phish. She does not want to be the next Adele. The sooner that the judges understand that, the more relaxed they'll be when she comes out every week with more and more plastic beads in her hair and less and less... footwear.
Remember when Danny was relevant? And when he sang in Hollywood and was the "one to watch"? So... my question is... Rascal Flatts?
Alison. No, no no no no no no no no. Okay. I love you. I do. And I love funky kids. I was one. But that dress was not cool. It may have been okay - with the following changes. Lose 2 inches from it. Ditch those leggings and go bare legged. Lose those big chunky white shoes. Instead, go for a black ballet flat. Take the gigantic clip out of your hair and rock it down shag style. Voila! Instead, you did not take my advice and ended up looking like a 16 year old that dressed herself before the big school mixer. She'll just end up sitting in the corner, waiting and waiting for Adam Larman to ask her to dance... but he never will because of that slut Melissa Schwartz. Moving on.
Well, I guess I could talk about Anoop and his desire to become a black guy... or about Lil and her desire to be an old white woman. But the jokes are too obvious and the pain is too deep.
So, I leave you now with this thought. Eating Cheerios in the bathroom is not cool.
1. I was in the restroom at work and found a Cheerio in the stall. Was someone eating in there?
2. I listened to an old record and realized that I love it even more now than I did then (My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult - Confessions of a Knife). Sing along... "Christian Zombie Vampires! I am the father... the father of nothing!"
3. The sales girl at Macy's called me by my first name (without my credit card in front of her).
4. I bought 3 pair of shoes. Two are completely "un-work-friendly," which I love. One pair is not even meant for walking in, I don't think.
Okay, so tonight was supposed to be a great night, right? Well, it was supposed to have a gazillion and one songs to choose from... after all, this was the top 100 most downloaded songs in an given week for the last 5 years or something, right? This should be chock-full-o-fun-and-awesomeness. So, what's up with the choices? I love Adam and of his crazy gayness, but "Play that Funky Music"? No! Dude, seriously? Out of like 5,000 songs, you picked that one?
Well, at least Scott McIntyre (nicknamed "The Piano Man") picked a Billy Joel song... I mean, originality is a plus.
By the way, that Megan Joy girl wants to smoke weed and listen to Phish. She does not want to be the next Adele. The sooner that the judges understand that, the more relaxed they'll be when she comes out every week with more and more plastic beads in her hair and less and less... footwear.
Remember when Danny was relevant? And when he sang in Hollywood and was the "one to watch"? So... my question is... Rascal Flatts?
Alison. No, no no no no no no no no. Okay. I love you. I do. And I love funky kids. I was one. But that dress was not cool. It may have been okay - with the following changes. Lose 2 inches from it. Ditch those leggings and go bare legged. Lose those big chunky white shoes. Instead, go for a black ballet flat. Take the gigantic clip out of your hair and rock it down shag style. Voila! Instead, you did not take my advice and ended up looking like a 16 year old that dressed herself before the big school mixer. She'll just end up sitting in the corner, waiting and waiting for Adam Larman to ask her to dance... but he never will because of that slut Melissa Schwartz. Moving on.
Well, I guess I could talk about Anoop and his desire to become a black guy... or about Lil and her desire to be an old white woman. But the jokes are too obvious and the pain is too deep.
So, I leave you now with this thought. Eating Cheerios in the bathroom is not cool.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Yee. Haw.
Okay. I first want to say something completely unrelated to American Idol. Does anyone truly understand facebook? I feel kind of like an idiot, but isn't this EXACTLY like myspace? Everyone that I talk to is like "oh dude... you've GOT TO get a facebook account." So finally, I break down, right? I sign up (which, incidentally, this took like an hour because I am computer illiterate). Now, I've got 80 friends (yes, 80!) that I don't talk to. There are people on there who I don't know that I've ever met. But you accept their friendship as to not hurt anyone's feelings... now I am friends with a boy I was in the Spelling Bee with when we were 10 or 11 years old. I actually had to look at his photo and try to piece together where we knew each other. Then I had to call my mom... I'm telling you, if SHE doesn't remember him (she remembers EVERYONE), we are all screwed, dude. She doesn't. She was like "oh, little Tommy Oliver... yeah, he was friends with the Shula boy"... nope... that was a different kid. My mom remembers ALL of the kids I went to elementary school with. I don't remember 90% of them. Although the other day when I was at work, Classmates.com was trying to solicit their ridiculous website and they wrote "Orson Hudson has become a member of Classmates. Please join now!" I'm telling you, I was half tempted to! Orson Hudson? You've got to be kidding me. This kid was the best break dancer you'll ever meet... he was one casting call away from Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo... seriously, man. I would pay money to hear what that guy is doing now.
Chances are, he's still in his mother's basement with a refrigerator box sprawled across the cement floor, searching for the perfect spin. I guess I'll never know because I'm not joining Classmates. Damn it, Orson! Join facebook, for Christ's sake! Then we could be "friends" and I could write on your wall or whatever.
Me: Orson, do you remember that Michael Jackson full red leather jumpsuit you had back in school? Well, do you still have that?
On to AI. It was country week and it sucked. My ratings out of a possible 10.
Michael: 5
Alison: 8
Kris: 7 (I like him better with a guitar)
Lil: 5
Adam: 10 (Hell yes. That dude sang a country classic - in full-on vampire style. He was all scratchy nails and leather pants and high pitched squeal. It was beautiful. And Randy Travis looked like he was about to piss himself.)
Scott: 2
Alexis: 5. Remember the "punk" girl in school that was really poor, so she used safety pins to hold her pants together... therefore, she sort of "seemed" punk. Well, that's how I feel about Alexis. Bad manic panic color job and a cheap prom dress from Forever 21.
Danny: 7
Anoop: 7 (I'm surprised he didn't do The Devil Went Down to Georgia... you know how he likes to "entertain")
Megan Joy: 6 for the song. 10 for the fact that she dropped her last name (last week she was Megan Joy Corkrey and this week she is just straight up Megan Joy)... I think she actually thinks she's going to make it!
Matt: 9
Predictions:
Bottom 3: Michael. Scott. Alexis.
Going home: Scott. That blind thing can only take you so far. Then you have to have actual talent. No doubt the kid can play piano. That's fo sho. But this is sort of a singing thing, right?
In true facebook style - Nicole Hildreth James "is looking for a way to wrap up this blog."
Love you bitches.
Chances are, he's still in his mother's basement with a refrigerator box sprawled across the cement floor, searching for the perfect spin. I guess I'll never know because I'm not joining Classmates. Damn it, Orson! Join facebook, for Christ's sake! Then we could be "friends" and I could write on your wall or whatever.
Me: Orson, do you remember that Michael Jackson full red leather jumpsuit you had back in school? Well, do you still have that?
On to AI. It was country week and it sucked. My ratings out of a possible 10.
Michael: 5
Alison: 8
Kris: 7 (I like him better with a guitar)
Lil: 5
Adam: 10 (Hell yes. That dude sang a country classic - in full-on vampire style. He was all scratchy nails and leather pants and high pitched squeal. It was beautiful. And Randy Travis looked like he was about to piss himself.)
Scott: 2
Alexis: 5. Remember the "punk" girl in school that was really poor, so she used safety pins to hold her pants together... therefore, she sort of "seemed" punk. Well, that's how I feel about Alexis. Bad manic panic color job and a cheap prom dress from Forever 21.
Danny: 7
Anoop: 7 (I'm surprised he didn't do The Devil Went Down to Georgia... you know how he likes to "entertain")
Megan Joy: 6 for the song. 10 for the fact that she dropped her last name (last week she was Megan Joy Corkrey and this week she is just straight up Megan Joy)... I think she actually thinks she's going to make it!
Matt: 9
Predictions:
Bottom 3: Michael. Scott. Alexis.
Going home: Scott. That blind thing can only take you so far. Then you have to have actual talent. No doubt the kid can play piano. That's fo sho. But this is sort of a singing thing, right?
In true facebook style - Nicole Hildreth James "is looking for a way to wrap up this blog."
Love you bitches.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
MJ Night.
And it's go time!
1. Lil Rounds. Is her name really Lil? Like Lil-y of the Valley? Or Eli Lil-ly? Or is it Lil like Lil' Romeo or Lil' Wayne? Let's hope it's after the flower and not after the gold toothed criminal/"artist". Let me just say this. Lil has an ass on her. And nothing (and I mean nothing) quite accentuates an apple bottom like a pair of white pantaloons. Oh yeah... and she sang too.
2. Scott MacIntyre. He's "hopeful" and "sends a great message" and is "true" to himself... blah blah blah. But can he sing? Um... not so much. They want to see "more sparks" from him. I've got an idea. Hand him something hot and wait.
3. Danny Gokey. Ever notice how this guy has like ten pair of glasses? And each pair matches the shirt he has on? It's really quite lovely. So, his parents made him and his eighteen brothers and sisters sing for their supper... or something. Or maybe made them sing fractions... I can't remember, but apparently, it was all worth it because look at him now!
4. Michael Sarver. If I see that video of him at work one more time, I'm pretty sure I could go into the oil rigging business for myself. You take that huge wrench and crank it a few times to the left before another person pulls the handle down and waits... also, I would have rather seen him in his blue jumpsuit than another one of those awful black shirts with the Tommy Lee tribal tattoo graphic on the back of it. Were they having a sale that day? He wore an identical one in white just 2 weeks ago. He's got the stylist now... branch out.
5. Jasmine Murray. Is it my imagination or did mom have an oopsy with Miss Jasmine? Okay, I'm not saying that mom is collecting social security yet, but she definitely subscribes to the AARP magazine. Her sisters are like 42 and 47. They are cougars for sure, but whoa! Mom was wearing the Beyonce classic "hairpiece" tonight. "Hairpiece" sounds so much better than "weave."
6. Kris Allen. He and his wife are so cute... they show them with a pot of boiling water in the kitchen and BOTH of them are reading the label on the spaghetti trying to figure out how to cook it. Aw... how sweet... and mildly embarrassing. He's cute with his little guitar. I may have an inappropriate crush (again). It happens every season.
7. Alison Iraheta. This girl HAS to stop talking in interviews. At the end, did she actually tell the judges that the song was about a cutter? I couldn't make it out but they said something to her about the song and she said "well, it's not like the song is very upbeat... it's like about a cutter." Then I actually think I saw Paula kind of hold her finger up to her lips as if to "shush" her. I love it. When freakin PAULA thinks you are inappropriate, you are just being borderline offensive.
8. Anoop Desai. Oh Anoop. First off, I'm upset that you did that cheesy song. But whatever. My real gripe with the night is that nobody sang that Ben song about the rat. Next.
9. Jorge Nunez. When Jorge's family puts on a party, they aren't messing around. Did you see all of those people? He said "it's nice that American Idol brought my family back together..." - they pan to this group of people and it looks like some sort of work party with 55 co-workers, their spouses and children. Holy mother of God.
10. Megan Corkrey. Thank God she has all of that nice ink on her. That's all I've got. Love the tattoos... hate the singing.
11. Adam Lambert. She is fierce tonight! She comes out with her black fingernail polish... her hair-r did a little differently than last week... who knew that the song "Black and White" was originally done by Judas Priest? If they ever have a glam rock/metal night, she has got this one in the bag. All the other bitches need to just stay home. So afterwards, he's up there and the judges are gushing... blah blah... we love you... you are the second coming... and Kara says "Michael Jackson would be proud..." Adam mouths "I love him!" We know you do, girl!
12. Matt Giraud. I love the background videos of the parents at home talking about how great their kid is. Matt's dad is doing some sort of dance... he's almost fully on the ground. I wonder if I were on American Idol if I would let my dad be on camera for any length of time. They could video tape him mowing the lawn in the backyard with no shirt... or better yet... coming in from mowing and then sitting down at the dinner table (still with no shirt) gripping his knife and fork and banging on the table yelling "Let's eat! Let's eat!" Maybe they could follow him to the pool and watch him wrestle with a silver raft for twenty minutes... all of these moments would be priceless. Hell, they wouldn't want me after taping him for half a day...
13. Alexis Grace. She's little. She's spunky. And maybe a little bit punky. Like what I did just then? Anyway, she's kind of lame... but she does wear a mean short-short. There just aren't that many girls who can pull off a tube top this day and age.
My picks to go (two go, ladies and gents).
Jorge (even though I love his unibrowed ass...)
Jasmine
But if there is any justice in the world, it would be Megan.
Kisses. Later, hookers.
1. Lil Rounds. Is her name really Lil? Like Lil-y of the Valley? Or Eli Lil-ly? Or is it Lil like Lil' Romeo or Lil' Wayne? Let's hope it's after the flower and not after the gold toothed criminal/"artist". Let me just say this. Lil has an ass on her. And nothing (and I mean nothing) quite accentuates an apple bottom like a pair of white pantaloons. Oh yeah... and she sang too.
2. Scott MacIntyre. He's "hopeful" and "sends a great message" and is "true" to himself... blah blah blah. But can he sing? Um... not so much. They want to see "more sparks" from him. I've got an idea. Hand him something hot and wait.
3. Danny Gokey. Ever notice how this guy has like ten pair of glasses? And each pair matches the shirt he has on? It's really quite lovely. So, his parents made him and his eighteen brothers and sisters sing for their supper... or something. Or maybe made them sing fractions... I can't remember, but apparently, it was all worth it because look at him now!
4. Michael Sarver. If I see that video of him at work one more time, I'm pretty sure I could go into the oil rigging business for myself. You take that huge wrench and crank it a few times to the left before another person pulls the handle down and waits... also, I would have rather seen him in his blue jumpsuit than another one of those awful black shirts with the Tommy Lee tribal tattoo graphic on the back of it. Were they having a sale that day? He wore an identical one in white just 2 weeks ago. He's got the stylist now... branch out.
5. Jasmine Murray. Is it my imagination or did mom have an oopsy with Miss Jasmine? Okay, I'm not saying that mom is collecting social security yet, but she definitely subscribes to the AARP magazine. Her sisters are like 42 and 47. They are cougars for sure, but whoa! Mom was wearing the Beyonce classic "hairpiece" tonight. "Hairpiece" sounds so much better than "weave."
6. Kris Allen. He and his wife are so cute... they show them with a pot of boiling water in the kitchen and BOTH of them are reading the label on the spaghetti trying to figure out how to cook it. Aw... how sweet... and mildly embarrassing. He's cute with his little guitar. I may have an inappropriate crush (again). It happens every season.
7. Alison Iraheta. This girl HAS to stop talking in interviews. At the end, did she actually tell the judges that the song was about a cutter? I couldn't make it out but they said something to her about the song and she said "well, it's not like the song is very upbeat... it's like about a cutter." Then I actually think I saw Paula kind of hold her finger up to her lips as if to "shush" her. I love it. When freakin PAULA thinks you are inappropriate, you are just being borderline offensive.
8. Anoop Desai. Oh Anoop. First off, I'm upset that you did that cheesy song. But whatever. My real gripe with the night is that nobody sang that Ben song about the rat. Next.
9. Jorge Nunez. When Jorge's family puts on a party, they aren't messing around. Did you see all of those people? He said "it's nice that American Idol brought my family back together..." - they pan to this group of people and it looks like some sort of work party with 55 co-workers, their spouses and children. Holy mother of God.
10. Megan Corkrey. Thank God she has all of that nice ink on her. That's all I've got. Love the tattoos... hate the singing.
11. Adam Lambert. She is fierce tonight! She comes out with her black fingernail polish... her hair-r did a little differently than last week... who knew that the song "Black and White" was originally done by Judas Priest? If they ever have a glam rock/metal night, she has got this one in the bag. All the other bitches need to just stay home. So afterwards, he's up there and the judges are gushing... blah blah... we love you... you are the second coming... and Kara says "Michael Jackson would be proud..." Adam mouths "I love him!" We know you do, girl!
12. Matt Giraud. I love the background videos of the parents at home talking about how great their kid is. Matt's dad is doing some sort of dance... he's almost fully on the ground. I wonder if I were on American Idol if I would let my dad be on camera for any length of time. They could video tape him mowing the lawn in the backyard with no shirt... or better yet... coming in from mowing and then sitting down at the dinner table (still with no shirt) gripping his knife and fork and banging on the table yelling "Let's eat! Let's eat!" Maybe they could follow him to the pool and watch him wrestle with a silver raft for twenty minutes... all of these moments would be priceless. Hell, they wouldn't want me after taping him for half a day...
13. Alexis Grace. She's little. She's spunky. And maybe a little bit punky. Like what I did just then? Anyway, she's kind of lame... but she does wear a mean short-short. There just aren't that many girls who can pull off a tube top this day and age.
My picks to go (two go, ladies and gents).
Jorge (even though I love his unibrowed ass...)
Jasmine
But if there is any justice in the world, it would be Megan.
Kisses. Later, hookers.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
American Idol - Three "Dawg" Night
This! is American Idol.
Von (the lost Rat Packer) Smith: Marvin Gaye song... I don't even recognize this thing until halfway through... but, alas, I do... and it's just as boring as it was a minute and a half ago. However, oddly enough, the judges seem to have sipped the Von kool-aid... they love him. I will give him this though - he has shiny teeth fo sho.
Taylor (accessories are my life) Vaitanua: Alicia Keys. Why does every high school girl with an iPod and a hairbrush think that she is the next breakout star? It seems like sooooo many girls take a crack at Alicia Keys and I'm not really sure why. They never seem to really nail it, you know? Why don't they try something like Britney Spears? I mean, come on... you KNOW you would be better than the original, right? But this girl had more gear on than a professional football player. I mean... necklaces, earrings, bracelets, bands, sweatbands, anklets, hair clips... where does it end?
Alex (aw, shucks) Wagner-Trugman: Elton John. Some of you may know about my love of all things Elton John. Correction: most things Elton John. I particularly love this song (I Guess That's Why They Call It the Blues)... usually not so much a fan of the 80s Elton, but I have a soft spot for this one. Although when Alex sings it, I kind of want to die a little inside. Alex is so cute... a little bunny. You just want to squeeze him and take him home (to fix your computer). But this time, Alex has truly shot himself in the foot.
Ariana (button girl) Afsar: I like the fact that she had never heard the phrase "cute as a button" before. I think she actually thought that the judges were comparing her to an actual button. Anyway, she sings another one of my faves by Abba: The Winner Takes it All. This song was made famous (at the bar) by one Fantasia L'Amor of South Bend drag queen fame. Fantasia was SO good in fact, that she passed in her everyday life as a bank teller... a LADY bank teller. Sa-nap! However, Ariana is no Fantasia. She's half her height and has virtually no visible Adam's Apple.
Ju'Not (No, not NOT!) Joyner: Plain White Ts. I've heard this song more times than a wedding dj has heard Celebration. But it is what it is, right? He tried to put his own "spin" on the thing, but... I'm sorry... it's still Hey There, Delilah. You can't (to quote my father) "polish a turd."
Kristen (loud pitched noise here) McNamara: Tracy Chapman. Tracy Chapman sings every song in her library with excruciating pain. This woman's been through some stuff. Kristen, however, takes this torch song and turns it into a wave-your-hands-in-tha-air-and-wave-em-like-ya-just-don't-care karaoke tune. She's a boppin and a hoppin... "gimme one reason to stay here and I'll turn right back around" - at the end, she may have winked or kicked or something... all I know is that Tracy would not approve.
Nathaniel (Headband boy): When I see this boy and all of the many montages with headbands, my mind starts to wander. I start thinking that if you took all of the headbands and balled them all together into a twine-like ball... and then took that ball... and stuffed it in that guy's mouth... Okay, bottom line... girlfriend needs some Spanx because that muffin top is crazy tonight. Looks like he's been eating too much... Meatloaf! Ba dum bum.
Felicia (I'm channeling Joan Jett) Barton: Alicia Keys. I forgive you, Joan. I forgive her, because this was a passable Alicia. I liked miss Felicia/Alicia. She was cute and had a cute little leather jacket. I liked the jacket, so I'm giving her a 6 out of 10.
Scott (who turned the lights out?) MacIntyre: Okay... right from the get-go, I'm going to hell, right? Well I just couldn't help myself. Get over it. Rob and I were talking and he's convinced that this guy's not really blind... rather, he auditioned "blind" for American Idol to get a leg up, so to speak. Then he actually got through! And now... well, things have gone too far and he doesn't know where to end the joke... Okay, on a serious note though... he's not all that great of a singer, I don't think. He's okay. That's pretty much it. But he'll get through. America loves an underdog (or is he???). I can feel the flames licking my backside.
Kendall (Momma picked this out) Beard: Kendall is dressed for the Double Deuce, strapped with a wig from the Holly Playboy collection. It's bright, it's brassy and it's big! The judges love her "personality"... I half expected them to make boobie gestures with their hands when saying that. She's got a great set of... eyes!
Jorge Nunez: Elton John. Good singer. But he is a hot mess. Unibrow, lazy eye... he's a little tough to look at. But he is a good singer. A really good singer. Now all he needs is a good wax and he'll be set for the next round.
Lil (I think I dropped my pencil) Rounds: Mary J Blige. Nice song. Dress is cute... and pan around to the back... sha-pow! Kazam! Sha-ka! Loot in the boot! Juice in the caboose! Pa-dow! Sha-kow-badda-pow! You get the idea.
My picks to stay:
Boy: Jorge (and the eye)
Girl: Lil (and her better half)
Wild Card: Scott
Seacrest out.
Von (the lost Rat Packer) Smith: Marvin Gaye song... I don't even recognize this thing until halfway through... but, alas, I do... and it's just as boring as it was a minute and a half ago. However, oddly enough, the judges seem to have sipped the Von kool-aid... they love him. I will give him this though - he has shiny teeth fo sho.
Taylor (accessories are my life) Vaitanua: Alicia Keys. Why does every high school girl with an iPod and a hairbrush think that she is the next breakout star? It seems like sooooo many girls take a crack at Alicia Keys and I'm not really sure why. They never seem to really nail it, you know? Why don't they try something like Britney Spears? I mean, come on... you KNOW you would be better than the original, right? But this girl had more gear on than a professional football player. I mean... necklaces, earrings, bracelets, bands, sweatbands, anklets, hair clips... where does it end?
Alex (aw, shucks) Wagner-Trugman: Elton John. Some of you may know about my love of all things Elton John. Correction: most things Elton John. I particularly love this song (I Guess That's Why They Call It the Blues)... usually not so much a fan of the 80s Elton, but I have a soft spot for this one. Although when Alex sings it, I kind of want to die a little inside. Alex is so cute... a little bunny. You just want to squeeze him and take him home (to fix your computer). But this time, Alex has truly shot himself in the foot.
Ariana (button girl) Afsar: I like the fact that she had never heard the phrase "cute as a button" before. I think she actually thought that the judges were comparing her to an actual button. Anyway, she sings another one of my faves by Abba: The Winner Takes it All. This song was made famous (at the bar) by one Fantasia L'Amor of South Bend drag queen fame. Fantasia was SO good in fact, that she passed in her everyday life as a bank teller... a LADY bank teller. Sa-nap! However, Ariana is no Fantasia. She's half her height and has virtually no visible Adam's Apple.
Ju'Not (No, not NOT!) Joyner: Plain White Ts. I've heard this song more times than a wedding dj has heard Celebration. But it is what it is, right? He tried to put his own "spin" on the thing, but... I'm sorry... it's still Hey There, Delilah. You can't (to quote my father) "polish a turd."
Kristen (loud pitched noise here) McNamara: Tracy Chapman. Tracy Chapman sings every song in her library with excruciating pain. This woman's been through some stuff. Kristen, however, takes this torch song and turns it into a wave-your-hands-in-tha-air-and-wave-em-like-ya-just-don't-care karaoke tune. She's a boppin and a hoppin... "gimme one reason to stay here and I'll turn right back around" - at the end, she may have winked or kicked or something... all I know is that Tracy would not approve.
Nathaniel (Headband boy): When I see this boy and all of the many montages with headbands, my mind starts to wander. I start thinking that if you took all of the headbands and balled them all together into a twine-like ball... and then took that ball... and stuffed it in that guy's mouth... Okay, bottom line... girlfriend needs some Spanx because that muffin top is crazy tonight. Looks like he's been eating too much... Meatloaf! Ba dum bum.
Felicia (I'm channeling Joan Jett) Barton: Alicia Keys. I forgive you, Joan. I forgive her, because this was a passable Alicia. I liked miss Felicia/Alicia. She was cute and had a cute little leather jacket. I liked the jacket, so I'm giving her a 6 out of 10.
Scott (who turned the lights out?) MacIntyre: Okay... right from the get-go, I'm going to hell, right? Well I just couldn't help myself. Get over it. Rob and I were talking and he's convinced that this guy's not really blind... rather, he auditioned "blind" for American Idol to get a leg up, so to speak. Then he actually got through! And now... well, things have gone too far and he doesn't know where to end the joke... Okay, on a serious note though... he's not all that great of a singer, I don't think. He's okay. That's pretty much it. But he'll get through. America loves an underdog (or is he???). I can feel the flames licking my backside.
Kendall (Momma picked this out) Beard: Kendall is dressed for the Double Deuce, strapped with a wig from the Holly Playboy collection. It's bright, it's brassy and it's big! The judges love her "personality"... I half expected them to make boobie gestures with their hands when saying that. She's got a great set of... eyes!
Jorge Nunez: Elton John. Good singer. But he is a hot mess. Unibrow, lazy eye... he's a little tough to look at. But he is a good singer. A really good singer. Now all he needs is a good wax and he'll be set for the next round.
Lil (I think I dropped my pencil) Rounds: Mary J Blige. Nice song. Dress is cute... and pan around to the back... sha-pow! Kazam! Sha-ka! Loot in the boot! Juice in the caboose! Pa-dow! Sha-kow-badda-pow! You get the idea.
My picks to stay:
Boy: Jorge (and the eye)
Girl: Lil (and her better half)
Wild Card: Scott
Seacrest out.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
American Idol... Part Deux (or duh...)
Okay... this may be a short one, people. They wasted 2 hours of my time and I'm not about to waste 2 hours of yours.
First of all, who knew that Ryan owned jeans? I thought he just woke up in a Gucci suit.
Jasmine (yeah, that's right) Murray: She had more attitude than Mo'Nique in a Tyler Perry film, up there cocking her head and givin us one of those "no you di-int" looks for her minute and a half. Unfortunately, the silver Members Only jacket may have to retire itself after last night. She's not good enough... and after the judges told her, she looked a little defeated... although I really expected her to wave a long acrylic at them and say "oh helllll no. Uh uh." Too bad... that would have made for great television.
Matt (piano man) Giraud: So, what happened to this guy? He was the one to watch... now, he'll be the one watching from his couch at home as he watches 11 contestants who aren't as good as him compete for HIS prize, g*dd*m*t! You know, Viva La Vida is an awesome song, but it doesn't sound as good when you are singing through a kazoo. I didn't actually see the kazoo, but I'm sure it was there. And he didn't do any of the dramatic Chris Martin moves either... he didn't drop to the floor and throw his hands in the air once. Uh... can anyone say disappointment? Hey, Chris Martin didn't land Gwyneth Paltrow by standing stone faced at a microphone. Move your ass, Giraud.
Jeanine (Please, please, please) Vailes: I just felt badly for this girl. I wanted to call in when the night was over, simply so that I wouldn't have to watch her beg for votes on national television anymore. She was up there (with her Beyonce lubed up gams) begging us to reconsider, because even she knew that she just wasn't good enough. Poor Jeanine. Maybe a little less baby oil and maybe a little more money thrown at a singing coach.
Nick (Norman Gentle) Mitchell: As Simon referred to it... Horrific comedy. Well, my husband seems to like it... he's down there giggling like a teenage girl watching this guy lick the American Idol logo and scream "Doogie!" in between words. I'm just not feeling the "Norman" buzz... but there will probably be people out there who will... we may have a vote-for-the-worst on our hands.
Alison (I tried out for Paramore and all I got was this American Idol t-shirt) Iraheta: Here she is. Our little girl winner of this group. Comes complete with puffy red hair, black prom dress, ratted hose and five inch heels. She's a good singer... for that song. She has one of those girl rock voices that I'm not sure could go all that far on disco week. However, we will soon find out, because my guess is that she gets through. Although if the winning involves an interview... hmmm... she's about ten years away from public speaking.
Kris Allen: No. I can't discuss him. He sang Michael Jackson. Sorry. I'm not a Michael Jackson purist or anything. I just don't understand season after season why people do his songs and then get sent home. Deservedly so. Most people just sound ridiculous. And he did. Next.
Megan Joy (perma-smile) Corkrey: I thought her song was a little weak, but Paula seems to think that this girl is the second coming... although it is halfway through the show and she could have upped her meds a bit at the commercial break. Simon says that she's "memorable." I remember him saying that at the auditions... he said "I'm going to remember you." I wonder if that has anything to do with the sleeve of tattoos? Just a guess.
Matt (I'm not an oil rigger, but maybe the spell will work on welders) Breitzke: I think Matt's a little proud of himself. His notes weren't out of tune, but he was doing this strange robot-like move the entire song and he looked about as comfortable as you would if your grandma begged you to get up and sing at the family reunion. He's a back talker though... and as has been proved time and time again... don't back talk the judges. It's the quickest way to a plane ticket home.
Jessie (I really like the soul claps) Langseth: This girl is cute. And a good singer. But she doesn't have a shot. So, why discuss? Although, I think that's the first time I've ever heard Simon say "too cool for school," which was nice.
Kai (yo, my moms is here, yo) Kalama: To quote Simon... "Corny. Wedding. Hotel. Nothing original. Good backup singer. Karaoke..." Blah blah blah. You could go on all day about this guy... but bottom line. Buh bye, Kai.
Mishavonna (oh yeah, that's my name) Henson: Basically, I don't think this girl is too bad. But she's young and she picked a really mediocre song. I mean, it was mediocre when the band who made it scored a top hit with it for like 36 weeks or something. I think everyone is a little Jupiter-ed out after months of that drivel. Moving on.
Adam (I was in Rent!... or maybe not... I can't remember) Lambert: This guy was Rob Halpert, Freddie Mercury, Steven Tyler... all rolled up into one super mega star! Adam Lambert! I don't know that I care much for him, but he'll definitely make it through, I would bet. This guy is a freak on stage and no one knows what's going on... so I guess that means it's... good?
Predictions: Adam. Alison. Possibly between Nick/Norman and Matt (if people remember him from Hollywood and not his ghastly Chris Martin impersonation).
Peace out.
Oooh, did anyone watch Nip/Tuck Tuesday? A new guy defiled a couch! And an operating table! In the same episode! Now that's good television, people.
First of all, who knew that Ryan owned jeans? I thought he just woke up in a Gucci suit.
Jasmine (yeah, that's right) Murray: She had more attitude than Mo'Nique in a Tyler Perry film, up there cocking her head and givin us one of those "no you di-int" looks for her minute and a half. Unfortunately, the silver Members Only jacket may have to retire itself after last night. She's not good enough... and after the judges told her, she looked a little defeated... although I really expected her to wave a long acrylic at them and say "oh helllll no. Uh uh." Too bad... that would have made for great television.
Matt (piano man) Giraud: So, what happened to this guy? He was the one to watch... now, he'll be the one watching from his couch at home as he watches 11 contestants who aren't as good as him compete for HIS prize, g*dd*m*t! You know, Viva La Vida is an awesome song, but it doesn't sound as good when you are singing through a kazoo. I didn't actually see the kazoo, but I'm sure it was there. And he didn't do any of the dramatic Chris Martin moves either... he didn't drop to the floor and throw his hands in the air once. Uh... can anyone say disappointment? Hey, Chris Martin didn't land Gwyneth Paltrow by standing stone faced at a microphone. Move your ass, Giraud.
Jeanine (Please, please, please) Vailes: I just felt badly for this girl. I wanted to call in when the night was over, simply so that I wouldn't have to watch her beg for votes on national television anymore. She was up there (with her Beyonce lubed up gams) begging us to reconsider, because even she knew that she just wasn't good enough. Poor Jeanine. Maybe a little less baby oil and maybe a little more money thrown at a singing coach.
Nick (Norman Gentle) Mitchell: As Simon referred to it... Horrific comedy. Well, my husband seems to like it... he's down there giggling like a teenage girl watching this guy lick the American Idol logo and scream "Doogie!" in between words. I'm just not feeling the "Norman" buzz... but there will probably be people out there who will... we may have a vote-for-the-worst on our hands.
Alison (I tried out for Paramore and all I got was this American Idol t-shirt) Iraheta: Here she is. Our little girl winner of this group. Comes complete with puffy red hair, black prom dress, ratted hose and five inch heels. She's a good singer... for that song. She has one of those girl rock voices that I'm not sure could go all that far on disco week. However, we will soon find out, because my guess is that she gets through. Although if the winning involves an interview... hmmm... she's about ten years away from public speaking.
Kris Allen: No. I can't discuss him. He sang Michael Jackson. Sorry. I'm not a Michael Jackson purist or anything. I just don't understand season after season why people do his songs and then get sent home. Deservedly so. Most people just sound ridiculous. And he did. Next.
Megan Joy (perma-smile) Corkrey: I thought her song was a little weak, but Paula seems to think that this girl is the second coming... although it is halfway through the show and she could have upped her meds a bit at the commercial break. Simon says that she's "memorable." I remember him saying that at the auditions... he said "I'm going to remember you." I wonder if that has anything to do with the sleeve of tattoos? Just a guess.
Matt (I'm not an oil rigger, but maybe the spell will work on welders) Breitzke: I think Matt's a little proud of himself. His notes weren't out of tune, but he was doing this strange robot-like move the entire song and he looked about as comfortable as you would if your grandma begged you to get up and sing at the family reunion. He's a back talker though... and as has been proved time and time again... don't back talk the judges. It's the quickest way to a plane ticket home.
Jessie (I really like the soul claps) Langseth: This girl is cute. And a good singer. But she doesn't have a shot. So, why discuss? Although, I think that's the first time I've ever heard Simon say "too cool for school," which was nice.
Kai (yo, my moms is here, yo) Kalama: To quote Simon... "Corny. Wedding. Hotel. Nothing original. Good backup singer. Karaoke..." Blah blah blah. You could go on all day about this guy... but bottom line. Buh bye, Kai.
Mishavonna (oh yeah, that's my name) Henson: Basically, I don't think this girl is too bad. But she's young and she picked a really mediocre song. I mean, it was mediocre when the band who made it scored a top hit with it for like 36 weeks or something. I think everyone is a little Jupiter-ed out after months of that drivel. Moving on.
Adam (I was in Rent!... or maybe not... I can't remember) Lambert: This guy was Rob Halpert, Freddie Mercury, Steven Tyler... all rolled up into one super mega star! Adam Lambert! I don't know that I care much for him, but he'll definitely make it through, I would bet. This guy is a freak on stage and no one knows what's going on... so I guess that means it's... good?
Predictions: Adam. Alison. Possibly between Nick/Norman and Matt (if people remember him from Hollywood and not his ghastly Chris Martin impersonation).
Peace out.
Oooh, did anyone watch Nip/Tuck Tuesday? A new guy defiled a couch! And an operating table! In the same episode! Now that's good television, people.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
American Idol 2/17/09
First of all... 2 hours? Wow... they really are stretching out their Coke dollars. 36 contestants? I don' t remember them having that many at this stage in the game... I'm a little rusty on the rules. As Paula pointed out... "this is the night... to make magic happen. So, you've gotta make the magic. Dream happen. Magic. And dreams." Uh huh.
I already can't remember the theme, but I think it's something about 100 years. Or the top 100 Billboard. Or 100 songs that make you feel good. Whatever the case may be, we've got a long night ahead of us.
Jackie (or "Mini-Feist"). I can't remember the song she sang. What I do remember is what she was wearing. A tube top, no bra, a gold necklace, Sandy's shiny pants ("think about it, stud") and Air Jordans. Rob says that Air Jordans are back. I just say that Air Jordans on a girl just shows bad taste. Gahhh! Have some respect. At least wear some old skool Puma low tops or something. Luckily, that giant red belt saved the outfit. It's not only fashionable, but also doubles as a bungee harness.
Let me bust in a minute to say how much I hate the new parent section to all of this. They interview the parents? That is just cruel. Hey... I just jacked up the only opportunity for stardom that I will ever get! Well... at least my mom is here to rub my back and tell me that she "loves me no matter what."
Ricky (I'm sensitive.). Song? I don't know. Brown velvet jacket? Check. Hair coiffed into a perfect duck bill? Check. Good singer. Might actually have a shot (having taped and listened to this before writing). I don't remember this guy AT ALL from the tryouts or Hollywood week. Did I ever see him before? Well, he's good. And his boyfriend thinks so too.
Alexis (I don't use protection.) Does anyone remember Melrose Place? This girl is a remake of Josie Bissett (or Jane, for those of you who haven't memorized all of the actresses in this fine drama) circa 1993. I feel like she should be shouting at Michael from the courtyard... eventually ending up in the pool in what could possibly be a wildly overplayed domestic dispute - only to end up "making love" on some beach chair while the evil Kimberly (played by vixen Marcia Cross) stares out of her window gripping a butchers knife... but I digress.
Brent (my last name is Keith. No relation to Toby. Although, wouldn't that be great? For my career, I mean?) He's a country bumpkin. Sorry. But he is. And definitely not hot enough to get by just based on looks. I'm afraid he'll have to take his "old country swagga" (thank you, Randy) and move on back to oil rigging or whatever. No, wait... that's the OTHER guy going home tonight.
Stevie (I'm seventeen! I swear to God.) Oh Stevie. Stevie. Stevie. I'm embarrassed for her. It's not only her singing. It's her bad outfit. It's her weird desperation... well, it doesn't really matter, because she's a-goin-home, folks.
Anoop (Or "Noop Dogg," as he is so desperate to become). Song is lame. But his voice is good. Wicked. Once again, too bad he sang that song. It was funny because in his little montage thingie, he mentions how he just wants to sing songs that he wishes other people would sing when he watches the show. I have NEVER watched that show and thought... you know what I wish someone would sing? A slow ballad by Monica. Who is Monica?
Casey Carlson (You betcha, Joe!). Oh boy. Here she goes. Singing a classic Police song. This song has been once done by a woman. In case you haven't heard... the lovely Shawn Colvin took a crack at this one in the late 90s. It wasn't that great. And it was Shawn Colvin. Come on, man... all the winks and the wind swept hair and the gold lame dresses in the world aren't going to save you here. At the end, I actually thought she was going to give us a little jazz hands. But in true, typical American Idol style, she does the kick-out-to-the-side-hands-in-the-air move at the end. I'm more embarrassed than I was for Stevie.
Michael Sarver (Ah, yes... THIS is the actual oil rigger). I never thought I would say this in a million years, but I actually agreed with Paula on this one. Yes, Paula. When she said that he moved the microphone back and forth too often, I almost screamed at the tv "YES!" That boy moved that mic more than that Casey girl winked at us. At the end though, he had his "stage wife" explaining "the plan" to Ryan (in case this one didn't work out).
Ann Marie (I'm white.). Oh Ann Marie. The Queen of Soul? Really? Unless you are Kelly Clarkson, you cannot pull this out. She does look a little like the girl in Ferris Bueller though, right? I mean... at least she's got THAT going for her.
Steven Fowler (I got through a song!). Man, you know... I didn't like the song... but did they have to remind that dude like 80 times that he forgot the lyrics to that David Cook song? I mean, I'm sure he was already embarrassed enough. And the fact that they kept bringing it up... he's going to get cut tomorrow night (you got the memo, right?) and the only thing that anyone is ever going to remember about this guy is that he was the guy with the kinky fro that forgot his words. And Paula tells him "hey, you know... you should have come back and sang that song AGAIN to prove to us that you know the words." Let it go already. The kid was practically crying.
Tatiana del Toro (ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...). As they said nicely... she had "moments." I don't know that I would have gone all that far with it, but whatever. She wasn't nearly as nuts today. I'm sure she's just repressing her nutjar tendencies... we shall see if she gets through tomorrow... she is, after all, the number one post on votefortheworst.
Danny Govey (did you hear I'm a widow?). Great voice. Nice face. But Simon... well... he's not "buying the hype." I have a feeling that he'll be eating his words in a month when that guy is the front runner to win this thing and he has to sign him to his label... then it will be all "I dis-cov-ah-ed him..."
My picks to stay:
Boy: Danny Govey
Girl: Alexis (Josie Bissett) Grace
Wild Card: Ricky Braddy
Seacrest out.
Jackie (or "Mini-Feist"). I can't remember the song she sang. What I do remember is what she was wearing. A tube top, no bra, a gold necklace, Sandy's shiny pants ("think about it, stud") and Air Jordans. Rob says that Air Jordans are back. I just say that Air Jordans on a girl just shows bad taste. Gahhh! Have some respect. At least wear some old skool Puma low tops or something. Luckily, that giant red belt saved the outfit. It's not only fashionable, but also doubles as a bungee harness.
Let me bust in a minute to say how much I hate the new parent section to all of this. They interview the parents? That is just cruel. Hey... I just jacked up the only opportunity for stardom that I will ever get! Well... at least my mom is here to rub my back and tell me that she "loves me no matter what."
Ricky (I'm sensitive.). Song? I don't know. Brown velvet jacket? Check. Hair coiffed into a perfect duck bill? Check. Good singer. Might actually have a shot (having taped and listened to this before writing). I don't remember this guy AT ALL from the tryouts or Hollywood week. Did I ever see him before? Well, he's good. And his boyfriend thinks so too.
Alexis (I don't use protection.) Does anyone remember Melrose Place? This girl is a remake of Josie Bissett (or Jane, for those of you who haven't memorized all of the actresses in this fine drama) circa 1993. I feel like she should be shouting at Michael from the courtyard... eventually ending up in the pool in what could possibly be a wildly overplayed domestic dispute - only to end up "making love" on some beach chair while the evil Kimberly (played by vixen Marcia Cross) stares out of her window gripping a butchers knife... but I digress.
Brent (my last name is Keith. No relation to Toby. Although, wouldn't that be great? For my career, I mean?) He's a country bumpkin. Sorry. But he is. And definitely not hot enough to get by just based on looks. I'm afraid he'll have to take his "old country swagga" (thank you, Randy) and move on back to oil rigging or whatever. No, wait... that's the OTHER guy going home tonight.
Stevie (I'm seventeen! I swear to God.) Oh Stevie. Stevie. Stevie. I'm embarrassed for her. It's not only her singing. It's her bad outfit. It's her weird desperation... well, it doesn't really matter, because she's a-goin-home, folks.
Anoop (Or "Noop Dogg," as he is so desperate to become). Song is lame. But his voice is good. Wicked. Once again, too bad he sang that song. It was funny because in his little montage thingie, he mentions how he just wants to sing songs that he wishes other people would sing when he watches the show. I have NEVER watched that show and thought... you know what I wish someone would sing? A slow ballad by Monica. Who is Monica?
Casey Carlson (You betcha, Joe!). Oh boy. Here she goes. Singing a classic Police song. This song has been once done by a woman. In case you haven't heard... the lovely Shawn Colvin took a crack at this one in the late 90s. It wasn't that great. And it was Shawn Colvin. Come on, man... all the winks and the wind swept hair and the gold lame dresses in the world aren't going to save you here. At the end, I actually thought she was going to give us a little jazz hands. But in true, typical American Idol style, she does the kick-out-to-the-side-hands-in-the-air move at the end. I'm more embarrassed than I was for Stevie.
Michael Sarver (Ah, yes... THIS is the actual oil rigger). I never thought I would say this in a million years, but I actually agreed with Paula on this one. Yes, Paula. When she said that he moved the microphone back and forth too often, I almost screamed at the tv "YES!" That boy moved that mic more than that Casey girl winked at us. At the end though, he had his "stage wife" explaining "the plan" to Ryan (in case this one didn't work out).
Ann Marie (I'm white.). Oh Ann Marie. The Queen of Soul? Really? Unless you are Kelly Clarkson, you cannot pull this out. She does look a little like the girl in Ferris Bueller though, right? I mean... at least she's got THAT going for her.
Steven Fowler (I got through a song!). Man, you know... I didn't like the song... but did they have to remind that dude like 80 times that he forgot the lyrics to that David Cook song? I mean, I'm sure he was already embarrassed enough. And the fact that they kept bringing it up... he's going to get cut tomorrow night (you got the memo, right?) and the only thing that anyone is ever going to remember about this guy is that he was the guy with the kinky fro that forgot his words. And Paula tells him "hey, you know... you should have come back and sang that song AGAIN to prove to us that you know the words." Let it go already. The kid was practically crying.
Tatiana del Toro (ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...). As they said nicely... she had "moments." I don't know that I would have gone all that far with it, but whatever. She wasn't nearly as nuts today. I'm sure she's just repressing her nutjar tendencies... we shall see if she gets through tomorrow... she is, after all, the number one post on votefortheworst.
Danny Govey (did you hear I'm a widow?). Great voice. Nice face. But Simon... well... he's not "buying the hype." I have a feeling that he'll be eating his words in a month when that guy is the front runner to win this thing and he has to sign him to his label... then it will be all "I dis-cov-ah-ed him..."
My picks to stay:
Boy: Danny Govey
Girl: Alexis (Josie Bissett) Grace
Wild Card: Ricky Braddy
Seacrest out.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
First Blog... EVER!
Well, here's the deal. I'm not a blogger. I don't know much about blogging. I have read a few, but basically what I am going to share is not informational, political or otherwise. Basically, I like to talk about tv. I like to talk about movies. I like to talk about music. So, I set this up (or rather, Rob set this up) to share (or vent) about those topics.
Song of the week: "Misunderstood" - Common feat. Bilal
Worth mentioning: "Sugar" She Wants Revenge"
Movie of the week: Lifetime's "Not Without my Daughter" (that's a joke. But seriously, there's a movie with that title)
I did just see Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist just this afternoon. It's a lovely film about teenage intoxication, bands and a lot of driving. Here's my question. These kids are from Hoboken. And 17. Yet, ALL of them know every cross street and club in New York City. The writers may have been stretching it a little on that one. I can barely find my way around downtown Indianapolis with a GPS. There were some interesting tracks in this film... only problem, you barely got to hear any of them, because they were usually overshadowed by the teenaged pithy dialogue. I'm always looking for smart teenagers in films... however, these teenagers may have been a little TOO smart for their own smarty pants. However, the scene where the drunk friend sticks her hand in the toilet (in which she just defiled) to get her gum is priceless. I squinted my eyes and looked away a little. Norah's cute... and I just want to fold Michael Cera up into a little box and stick him in my pocket... but... not sure I am ready to run out and buy this one just yet.
Two movies at home (Neflix!): Crank... a movie about an ornery baby and The Mist... a fable about a broken sprinkler. I'll let you know how they turn out.
It's Sunday. So... go to church or something.
In the words of David Cook, keep a light on for me, bitches.
Song of the week: "Misunderstood" - Common feat. Bilal
Worth mentioning: "Sugar" She Wants Revenge"
Movie of the week: Lifetime's "Not Without my Daughter" (that's a joke. But seriously, there's a movie with that title)
I did just see Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist just this afternoon. It's a lovely film about teenage intoxication, bands and a lot of driving. Here's my question. These kids are from Hoboken. And 17. Yet, ALL of them know every cross street and club in New York City. The writers may have been stretching it a little on that one. I can barely find my way around downtown Indianapolis with a GPS. There were some interesting tracks in this film... only problem, you barely got to hear any of them, because they were usually overshadowed by the teenaged pithy dialogue. I'm always looking for smart teenagers in films... however, these teenagers may have been a little TOO smart for their own smarty pants. However, the scene where the drunk friend sticks her hand in the toilet (in which she just defiled) to get her gum is priceless. I squinted my eyes and looked away a little. Norah's cute... and I just want to fold Michael Cera up into a little box and stick him in my pocket... but... not sure I am ready to run out and buy this one just yet.
Two movies at home (Neflix!): Crank... a movie about an ornery baby and The Mist... a fable about a broken sprinkler. I'll let you know how they turn out.
It's Sunday. So... go to church or something.
In the words of David Cook, keep a light on for me, bitches.
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