American Idol 2/17/09

First of all... 2 hours? Wow... they really are stretching out their Coke dollars. 36 contestants? I don' t remember them having that many at this stage in the game... I'm a little rusty on the rules. As Paula pointed out... "this is the night... to make magic happen. So, you've gotta make the magic. Dream happen. Magic. And dreams." Uh huh.

I already can't remember the theme, but I think it's something about 100 years. Or the top 100 Billboard. Or 100 songs that make you feel good. Whatever the case may be, we've got a long night ahead of us.

Jackie (or "Mini-Feist"). I can't remember the song she sang. What I do remember is what she was wearing. A tube top, no bra, a gold necklace, Sandy's shiny pants ("think about it, stud") and Air Jordans. Rob says that Air Jordans are back. I just say that Air Jordans on a girl just shows bad taste. Gahhh! Have some respect. At least wear some old skool Puma low tops or something. Luckily, that giant red belt saved the outfit. It's not only fashionable, but also doubles as a bungee harness.

Let me bust in a minute to say how much I hate the new parent section to all of this. They interview the parents? That is just cruel. Hey... I just jacked up the only opportunity for stardom that I will ever get! Well... at least my mom is here to rub my back and tell me that she "loves me no matter what."

Ricky (I'm sensitive.). Song? I don't know. Brown velvet jacket? Check. Hair coiffed into a perfect duck bill? Check. Good singer. Might actually have a shot (having taped and listened to this before writing). I don't remember this guy AT ALL from the tryouts or Hollywood week. Did I ever see him before? Well, he's good. And his boyfriend thinks so too.

Alexis (I don't use protection.) Does anyone remember Melrose Place? This girl is a remake of Josie Bissett (or Jane, for those of you who haven't memorized all of the actresses in this fine drama) circa 1993. I feel like she should be shouting at Michael from the courtyard... eventually ending up in the pool in what could possibly be a wildly overplayed domestic dispute - only to end up "making love" on some beach chair while the evil Kimberly (played by vixen Marcia Cross) stares out of her window gripping a butchers knife... but I digress.

Brent (my last name is Keith. No relation to Toby. Although, wouldn't that be great? For my career, I mean?) He's a country bumpkin. Sorry. But he is. And definitely not hot enough to get by just based on looks. I'm afraid he'll have to take his "old country swagga" (thank you, Randy) and move on back to oil rigging or whatever. No, wait... that's the OTHER guy going home tonight.

Stevie (I'm seventeen! I swear to God.) Oh Stevie. Stevie. Stevie. I'm embarrassed for her. It's not only her singing. It's her bad outfit. It's her weird desperation... well, it doesn't really matter, because she's a-goin-home, folks.

Anoop (Or "Noop Dogg," as he is so desperate to become). Song is lame. But his voice is good. Wicked. Once again, too bad he sang that song. It was funny because in his little montage thingie, he mentions how he just wants to sing songs that he wishes other people would sing when he watches the show. I have NEVER watched that show and thought... you know what I wish someone would sing? A slow ballad by Monica. Who is Monica?

Casey Carlson (You betcha, Joe!). Oh boy. Here she goes. Singing a classic Police song. This song has been once done by a woman. In case you haven't heard... the lovely Shawn Colvin took a crack at this one in the late 90s. It wasn't that great. And it was Shawn Colvin. Come on, man... all the winks and the wind swept hair and the gold lame dresses in the world aren't going to save you here. At the end, I actually thought she was going to give us a little jazz hands. But in true, typical American Idol style, she does the kick-out-to-the-side-hands-in-the-air move at the end. I'm more embarrassed than I was for Stevie.

Michael Sarver (Ah, yes... THIS is the actual oil rigger). I never thought I would say this in a million years, but I actually agreed with Paula on this one. Yes, Paula. When she said that he moved the microphone back and forth too often, I almost screamed at the tv "YES!" That boy moved that mic more than that Casey girl winked at us. At the end though, he had his "stage wife" explaining "the plan" to Ryan (in case this one didn't work out).

Ann Marie (I'm white.). Oh Ann Marie. The Queen of Soul? Really? Unless you are Kelly Clarkson, you cannot pull this out. She does look a little like the girl in Ferris Bueller though, right? I mean... at least she's got THAT going for her.

Steven Fowler (I got through a song!). Man, you know... I didn't like the song... but did they have to remind that dude like 80 times that he forgot the lyrics to that David Cook song? I mean, I'm sure he was already embarrassed enough. And the fact that they kept bringing it up... he's going to get cut tomorrow night (you got the memo, right?) and the only thing that anyone is ever going to remember about this guy is that he was the guy with the kinky fro that forgot his words. And Paula tells him "hey, you know... you should have come back and sang that song AGAIN to prove to us that you know the words." Let it go already. The kid was practically crying.

Tatiana del Toro (ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...). As they said nicely... she had "moments." I don't know that I would have gone all that far with it, but whatever. She wasn't nearly as nuts today. I'm sure she's just repressing her nutjar tendencies... we shall see if she gets through tomorrow... she is, after all, the number one post on votefortheworst.

Danny Govey (did you hear I'm a widow?). Great voice. Nice face. But Simon... well... he's not "buying the hype." I have a feeling that he'll be eating his words in a month when that guy is the front runner to win this thing and he has to sign him to his label... then it will be all "I dis-cov-ah-ed him..."

My picks to stay:

Boy: Danny Govey

Girl: Alexis (Josie Bissett) Grace

Wild Card: Ricky Braddy



Seacrest out.