This! is American Idol.
Von (the lost Rat Packer) Smith: Marvin Gaye song... I don't even recognize this thing until halfway through... but, alas, I do... and it's just as boring as it was a minute and a half ago. However, oddly enough, the judges seem to have sipped the Von kool-aid... they love him. I will give him this though - he has shiny teeth fo sho.
Taylor (accessories are my life) Vaitanua: Alicia Keys. Why does every high school girl with an iPod and a hairbrush think that she is the next breakout star? It seems like sooooo many girls take a crack at Alicia Keys and I'm not really sure why. They never seem to really nail it, you know? Why don't they try something like Britney Spears? I mean, come on... you KNOW you would be better than the original, right? But this girl had more gear on than a professional football player. I mean... necklaces, earrings, bracelets, bands, sweatbands, anklets, hair clips... where does it end?
Alex (aw, shucks) Wagner-Trugman: Elton John. Some of you may know about my love of all things Elton John. Correction: most things Elton John. I particularly love this song (I Guess That's Why They Call It the Blues)... usually not so much a fan of the 80s Elton, but I have a soft spot for this one. Although when Alex sings it, I kind of want to die a little inside. Alex is so cute... a little bunny. You just want to squeeze him and take him home (to fix your computer). But this time, Alex has truly shot himself in the foot.
Ariana (button girl) Afsar: I like the fact that she had never heard the phrase "cute as a button" before. I think she actually thought that the judges were comparing her to an actual button. Anyway, she sings another one of my faves by Abba: The Winner Takes it All. This song was made famous (at the bar) by one Fantasia L'Amor of South Bend drag queen fame. Fantasia was SO good in fact, that she passed in her everyday life as a bank teller... a LADY bank teller. Sa-nap! However, Ariana is no Fantasia. She's half her height and has virtually no visible Adam's Apple.
Ju'Not (No, not NOT!) Joyner: Plain White Ts. I've heard this song more times than a wedding dj has heard Celebration. But it is what it is, right? He tried to put his own "spin" on the thing, but... I'm sorry... it's still Hey There, Delilah. You can't (to quote my father) "polish a turd."
Kristen (loud pitched noise here) McNamara: Tracy Chapman. Tracy Chapman sings every song in her library with excruciating pain. This woman's been through some stuff. Kristen, however, takes this torch song and turns it into a wave-your-hands-in-tha-air-and-wave-em-like-ya-just-don't-care karaoke tune. She's a boppin and a hoppin... "gimme one reason to stay here and I'll turn right back around" - at the end, she may have winked or kicked or something... all I know is that Tracy would not approve.
Nathaniel (Headband boy): When I see this boy and all of the many montages with headbands, my mind starts to wander. I start thinking that if you took all of the headbands and balled them all together into a twine-like ball... and then took that ball... and stuffed it in that guy's mouth... Okay, bottom line... girlfriend needs some Spanx because that muffin top is crazy tonight. Looks like he's been eating too much... Meatloaf! Ba dum bum.
Felicia (I'm channeling Joan Jett) Barton: Alicia Keys. I forgive you, Joan. I forgive her, because this was a passable Alicia. I liked miss Felicia/Alicia. She was cute and had a cute little leather jacket. I liked the jacket, so I'm giving her a 6 out of 10.
Scott (who turned the lights out?) MacIntyre: Okay... right from the get-go, I'm going to hell, right? Well I just couldn't help myself. Get over it. Rob and I were talking and he's convinced that this guy's not really blind... rather, he auditioned "blind" for American Idol to get a leg up, so to speak. Then he actually got through! And now... well, things have gone too far and he doesn't know where to end the joke... Okay, on a serious note though... he's not all that great of a singer, I don't think. He's okay. That's pretty much it. But he'll get through. America loves an underdog (or is he???). I can feel the flames licking my backside.
Kendall (Momma picked this out) Beard: Kendall is dressed for the Double Deuce, strapped with a wig from the Holly Playboy collection. It's bright, it's brassy and it's big! The judges love her "personality"... I half expected them to make boobie gestures with their hands when saying that. She's got a great set of... eyes!
Jorge Nunez: Elton John. Good singer. But he is a hot mess. Unibrow, lazy eye... he's a little tough to look at. But he is a good singer. A really good singer. Now all he needs is a good wax and he'll be set for the next round.
Lil (I think I dropped my pencil) Rounds: Mary J Blige. Nice song. Dress is cute... and pan around to the back... sha-pow! Kazam! Sha-ka! Loot in the boot! Juice in the caboose! Pa-dow! Sha-kow-badda-pow! You get the idea.
My picks to stay:
Boy: Jorge (and the eye)
Girl: Lil (and her better half)
Wild Card: Scott
Seacrest out.
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